the trouble with gatekeeping
We started going to a new church a year ago. We’ve never really been church people, but for the past, I don’t know, five or six years I’ve periodically dragged Brad to Catholic mass because I’ve always enjoyed it. Our parish was St. Monica’s in Santa Monica which is quite lovely and feels about as welcoming and progressive as you can get under the Catholic umbrella. But about a year ago, I decided I couldn’t do it anymore. I couldn’t continue to be a part of a religion that suppressed the rights of communities I care about so deeply, namely, women, children, and the LGBTQ communities. My continued participation felt like validation of policies I found to be violent.
But this post isn’t meant to be political. Every institution is flawed but there is a tipping point. I need to at least see progress, and I wasn’t. So as much as it pained me, because I do sincerely love the mystery of the Catholic faith, I had to leave.
Cut to a year later and we’ve enrolled Zelda in a preschool that’s associated with a Presbyterian church down the street. I knew nothing about the Presbyterians but the preschool came highly recommended. Zelda loved it there, and last lenten season, I decided to go to their service for Ash Wednesday (my favorite of all religious days). I really liked it, and so we went there for Easter, too. And I cried, because the sermon was so beautiful. And everyone was so welcoming. And there was a lot of joy. And there was nothing between me and the mystery of the cross. No rituals. No robes. No man I had to go through to get to God. I left church that day and said to Brad, “I never knew what it could feel like to be in church without a gatekeeper.”
There’s a lot of gatekeeping in Catholicism. I do believe in my heart that the rituals are good and meant to act as a conduit for personal revelation. But, in practice, that’s not how it has always felt. In practice, I know they’re used as tools of power. You can’t get to heaven unless you are baptized. You can’t be in communion with God unless you take communion. You can’t take communion unless you’ve confessed. You can’t be blessed unless it’s by a priest. You can’t be a priest unless you’re a man. So. Much. Gatekeeping. And it’s all made up! I didn’t know how much I’d been influenced by the gatekeeping of the Catholic church until I left it.
There’s literally a gate around heaven. I mean, what the hell?
(for the record i don’t believe that heaven is a place with a gate around it, if it is a place at all)
So anyway, yeah. I had an empowered spiritual experience that day because I felt like I got right to the heart of it for the first time, right to the Dude, without having to go through anyone or anything. It felt good.
A few months later the pastor at St. Peter’s invited us to join the church as official members. I was a little hesitant. I’d just finished watching The Vow and was pretty wary that everything was a cult. But we met with him to talk; I had some questions. I made it clear to the pastor that I couldn’t belong to a church that wasn’t totally welcoming of LGBTQ folks. I told him more about my upbringing as a Catholic, and why I was interested in finding a new spiritual home. I didn’t mention my revelation I’d had at the Easter service, but at the end of our conversation he said that, as a pastor, he wasn’t interested in being a gatekeeper for anyone’s spirituality. And I guess that’s how I knew I’d found the right place for right now.
This post isn’t meant to be about church or religion, though I am on a spiritual path so I’m sure it’ll come up again. It’s meant to be about the concept of gatekeepers.
Being a Catholic has made it hard enough, but add being an actor on top of that? Well shit, no wonder I have shitty self-esteem. I have always needed someone else’s validation to do the things I want. Need a priest to get to God. Need a director to get the part. Now I’m trying to be a writer, and I still encounter all these frustrating gatekeepers. Need an agent to get an editor. Need an editor to get published. So many gates just for people to read my work. I guess that’s why I’ve always blogged. At least I have somewhere, SOMEWHERE, that I can write without permission.
Things are changing though. I’m paying close attention to the music industry right now and the traditional record label/artist relationship is going the way of the 8-track. Artists don’t really need labels to put out music anymore. The market hasn’t adjusted yet, and that’s a strain, but labels aren’t really pouring the same money even into their top artists anymore, so why not just do it yourself?
The same goes for publishing. Being traditionally published is still the dream for most, but I’m increasingly seeing hugely successful authors starting out in the self-published space or online spaces like Wattpad. Colleen Hoover is the top-selling author in the world right now (more sales that Stephen King) and she started out publishing on Amazon. Many romance authors either self-publish exclusively, or they do a mix of some books with publishers and some on their own. It’s exciting that you can just put stuff out there. I mean that’s long been the case, but it’s becoming very mainstream.
I’m not saying self-published work is good or that anyone will read it. It’s hard to have discerning standards for your own work, which is one reason we have gatekeepers in the first place, to filter out mediocrity. But it seems like social media is doing that now, not people. Algorithms are the new gatekeepers, but that’s a whole other post.
I still want an agent. I’d like to be published the old-fashioned way. But now I think that’s mostly because I want the relationship with an agent and editor. I want a sounding board, a champion, a collaborator. And it sure would be nice to have someone else do the administrative work of getting a book to print. I’ll write it; someone else can do the paperwork. Hehe.
My long and complicated relationship with gatekeepers is changing. And that feels really good. I have St. Peter’s to thank for this revelation, which is ironic since he’s, like, the ultimate cosmic gatekeeper.
Gimme those keys, man
This might be the right time to tease that I’m going to finally publish a book on Wattpad. Very early stages, it’s going to take awhile. Wattpad is huge now for the romance genre (in which I find myself writing). One of my closest friends was their publicist in their beta days, right at the beginning. If only I’d have listened to her about it being the next big thing, I might be a Watty star right now. But no, I thought I had to pass through all the right gates.
Now I think I’ll bust them down. Politely of course. Like the good Catholic school girl I am.