I’ve been struggling. hard to describe except to say fragile. like my ego, my self, is a wrapping made of tearable things and sharp things and it’s tangled all around me. and one thing happens and it starts spinning. it chokes me. it actually collapses me. makes me want to be a black hole. makes me want to evaporate disappear. it’s a horrible feeling, wanting to disappear. wanting to erase yourself. just because of one stupid thing someone said that sent you—sent me—into a tail spin. yes that’s it. a tail spin. out of control. off the path. don’t know when i’ll crash but i know i’m not flying. horrible.
so i meditate. i run, and that helps, but it hasn’t been enough lately. so i’m adding meditation. i finished my run and went to sit on a bench by the sea. i turn on my daily meditation and it’s fine. it guess it helps. i’m breathing and following instructions. coming into my body, focusing on something simple like my spine. trying to be the sky, not the clouds passing through it. but ya know, i’m still spinning. i feel like the tangled up sharp foil wrapping spinning around my blue light. my peaceful blue light.
at the end of the meditation i was asked by this voice speaking to do something kind to myself. i put my hand on my heart and that always does it for me. that connects me to the god within me, the parent within me, the love within me that just wants me to be free. let go, i said. it said. just let it go. and the wrapper swirled around a little more and then it turned into dust and blew away. and i cried. i’m crying now. with the ego gone, i always cry. is that god crying through me? it feels like it. it feels like the most true thing, to be open and tearful and gentle. to truly wish nothing but peace for myself and for all others.
I walked to my car and this voice, this love that set me free, i know it’s not me. I know it’s above me and inside of me and all around me and it’s not me. it’s not. it’s beyond me. it’s god. i know it.
so i can see other people now, not as a threat. not as someone who with one word can send my ego into a tailspin, but as other good souls wrapped up in these cruel and complicated ego costumes. and I will be gentle, first with myself, and then with everyone.
that’s what just happened when i put my hand on my heart and loved myself as god loves me, when i loved myself as i love my daughter, when i loved myself as the love inside of me loves everything else.
the wind catches my wings. i can climb out of this free fall. i didn’t actually think i had anywhere to crash but i didn’t want to fall like that forever, or at all. i’d much rather fly.
a mother peacock and her baby crossed my path on my run. that’s also what just happened.
